


Holding On and Letting Go

by SandM1827



Series: Son Shine [2]
Category: Sons of Anarchy, Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-04
Updated: 2015-04-04
Packaged: 2018-03-21 05:11:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3678957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SandM1827/pseuds/SandM1827
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>"I know in my head that I love them, but I can’t feel it anymore. It’s just not there."</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Holding On and Letting Go

**Author's Note:**

> Unbeta'd.  
> Title comes from Holding On & Letting Go by Ross Copperman  
> These one-shots/snippets aren't going to be in any real order. This one in particular is set a few weeks after Chapter 14 of Betrayal, but I have others partially written that are set over four years into the future and one even set nearly twenty, so...  
> The lengths will vary to. Some will be longer, some might be shorter.  
> Some will be angsty, some will be fluffly, or a combination of the two.

“Stiles?”

“Yeah, Dad?”

“Your friends are downstairs.”

“I’m busy.” John sighed in exasperation as Stiles continued filling a box with clothing in his bedroom.

It was not the first time the pack had shown up randomly in his home in the weeks since Stiles had come back from Charming. They each had made their way individually at one point or another, but they liked to come together as a show of solidarity. Stiles had refused to see them, going as far as to slip out the back door before they could corner him.

“Stiles, you are leaving for Oregon in the morning.” It was less than a day before he began his new life away from Beacon Hills and away from the pack. “You need to talk to them before you go. You need to clear the air.”

“I don’t _need_ to do anything.” Stiles muttered. “There is nothing to clear up. Everything is fine.”

“Then why won’t you see them?”

“I have more important things to do then make them feel better about themselves.” With a statement like that it was obvious things were perfectly fine. “They are only here because they want me to absolve their guilt.”

“They miss you.” They hadn’t gotten to spend the beginning of summer with him like they had planned, and then he had purposefully kept himself from them for the remainder of his time in Beacon Hills. “They want to make things right before you leave. I know you’re angry with them, and you have every right to be. They need to know how you feel so they can learn from what they did wrong.”

“I’m not angry.”

“Do you have an opinion on this?” John looked around his son to Juice, who was packing up Stiles computer equipment.

“Uh…” He was the picture of a deer caught in the headlights. “I do, but I am kind of part of the problem here. So, I’m going to keep my mouth shut.”

“Speak your mind.” Stiles urged.

“They will never see how their lies hurt you if you don’t show them.” It was a more personal variation of what John had said. “And you won’t trust them again unless they stop keeping things from you. You have to talk to them for either of those things to happen.”

“That’s a good point.”

“Fine.” Stiles conceded but did not seem happy about it. “I’ll talk to them.”

John stood back as Stiles dropped the shirt he was folding into the box haphazardly and stormed out of the room. Juice took off after him, to support Stiles or referee whatever was about to happen. He waited a moment, trying to prepare himself for what he could possibly witness, before following the boys.

Stiles stood at the bottom of the stairs, Juice directly behind him. They were staring into a nearly empty living room, which was a significant change to how it looked when John had gone to retrieve Stiles. Scott was the only one of Stiles friends who was still present.

“My friends, plural implied by the ‘s’ you tacked onto the end, are here, huh?” His son shot him an indignant look.

“They were.” He sent a glare in Scott’s direction. “Where did everyone go?”

“I sent them home. I thought it would be better if it was just me.” In other words, Scott had played him in an effort to get a one-on-one with Stiles. “I’m sorry, Stiles. I’m sorry for not telling you about turning Juice, or about him being alive. We didn’t know if it was going to work.”

“It did work.” Stiles reminded him. “You knew he had lived, days before I did, and you said nothing. You let me believe he was dead. You were trying to keep him from me.”

“I wasn’t.” The alpha denied.

“You wanted Cora to take him to South America.” That was the one thing Scott had neglected to explain when John had asked him about it. “Why the hell would you do that?”

“They were going to teach him control. I was not going to put you in danger by letting a new wolf near you.” Scott answered.

“Try again.” Stiles ordered.

“What?”

“Give me a reason that is not utter bullshit.” Stiles snarled at his friend. “I have dealt with plenty of out of control wolves and I am still standing. That is not a good enough reason to keep him from me.”

“I didn’t think it through.” Scott alleged as if it excused everything. “I’m sorry.”

“Are you?”

“Of course I am.”

“You gave him a way to live and I’m thankful for that. I know how challenging it is for you to accept your wolf, how hard it must have been for you to willingly turn someone. So, thank you.” Stiles said sincerely. “But fuck you for lying to me, for making me believe he was dead.”

“I’m sorry.”

“You got lucky with your timing.” John shivered uncomfortably as his son chuckled darkly. “If Jax wasn’t…then I would be so goddamn pissed off right now.”

“I’m sorry.” Scott repeated.

“Stop saying that!” Juice wrapped an arm around Stiles waist, as if he would pull him backward, away from the wolf. “I’m not mad, Scott.”

“Yes, you are.”

“I’m not mad at _you_ or _the pack_ for keeping things from me.” Stiles clarified. “You feel guilty so you want me to be mad because then you would have something an apology could fix. I’m not mad at you. I should be. I might be, someday, when I have the ability to be angry with someone who isn’t blood related to me.”

“Your dad had no idea – “

“I’m not talking about my dad.” Stiles scoffed at the accusation. His anger was directed at Jax for dying at all, and Gemma who every death could lead back to.

“If you aren’t mad at me, or any of us, then why are you avoiding everyone?”

“It is your last summer home and you have spent enough of it on me. You all should be out having fun or taking the vacations you planned.”

Malia, Braeden, and Derek should have been searching for the Desert Wolf. Lydia was supposed to be in London with Danny, visiting Jackson. Liam was scheduled to be at lacrosse camp with Mason. Scott had been invited on a trip with Kira’s family. They had all canceled their plans to be there for Stiles.

“We want to help you.”

“You can’t help me with this.” The pain that Stiles felt couldn’t be taken away using a werewolf’s power like physical pain could. “I want you all to salvage what’s left of your summer before you leave for school.”

“If we promise to do that, to have fun,” Scott started an attempt to bargain with him. “Will you do something tonight?”

“What?”

“Let’s all have dinner together or something. You missed the barbecue, let’s have another one.”

“Fine, if that's what you want.”

* * *

 

Using Thomas to escape his friends in the middle of dinner was probably a weak move, but it had to happen. He was suffocating at the table. He could not keep seeing their fake smiles that masked pitying looks whenever they spoke to him. They were trying to at normal, like nothing at all had happened, whether it was for his sake or their own he wasn’t sure, but either way they were failing miserably at it. So when Thomas had started crying he made a break for it, because changing a dirty diaper was much easier than sitting in a room with a his friends. That probably said more about his state of mind then he was ever willing to admit.

“Are you okay?” Stiles looked up from his nephew it see Derek standing in the doorway to his bedroom.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Derek was one of the last people he expected to come search for him. “Just taking care of the baby.”

“Right.” The wolf nodded and closed the door to give them the illusion of privacy. “Dinner was a bad idea. Scott thought it would be good for you, but he doesn’t understand.”

“Understand what?”

“He doesn’t understand what’s like to lose someone like you did. Your older sibling is the first friend you ever have. If you’re lucky they are the _best_ friend you will ever have.” Stiles wondered if that was what it was like between Derek and Laura before her death. “You were closer to your brother than almost anyone.”

“What’s your point?”

“The only person Scott has really lost is Allison. He doesn’t understand that it’s not the same thing. None of them understand how hard it is, how much it hurts, to lose what you lost.”

“I’m glad they don’t understand. I hope they are never put in the situation where they do, that someone they love that much is taken from them.” He would never wish that kind of pain on his worst enemy, let alone someone he cared about. “I’m sorry that you know how that feels.”

“I do know how it feels to lose an older sibling. I also know what it’s like to lose my pack.” A haunted expression found its way onto Derek’s face. “And that’s what your brother’s club was to you.”

“I still have some of them. I can still talk to them.” It wasn’t the same thing as having them, they both knew that. Derek still had pack members, had Cora, Peter, and Isaac, but he couldn’t be with them.

“It’s different now. It doesn’t feel the same, as close as it once did. The connection isn't as strong.” The wolf put in to words what Stiles was thinking. “Scott, the rest of them, they don’t understand any of it. I do. If you need…”

“I’ve been going out at night.” He admitted before he could stop himself. But, hell, if Derek Hale was more or less offering to be his shoulder to cry on then he might as well take him up on it. “Juice notices, but he hasn’t said anything. I’m not sure if my dad knows.”

“Going out where?”

“Highway 580.” He had been making the drive almost every night since the funeral. “It’s where Jax died.”

“Why do you go out there?” He was grateful for the lack of judgment in Derek’s voice, for the _why do you_, not _why would you_.

“I’m not punishing myself or anything. It’s just the only place I can feel something other than anger and guilt. I feel at peace there.” And, yeah, he knew how fucked up that sounded. “It shouldn’t be like that.”

“There is no should or shouldn’t for this kind of thing.”

“When I’m here I can’t…” He trailed off, trying to think of how to explain the mess in his mind. “I look at the boys and my dad, or Juice, and I know in my head that I love them, but I can’t feel it anymore. It’s just not there.”

“It’s a survival instinct. You’ve lost a lot of people you love recently. The pain doesn’t actually kill you, but it always feels like it will. If you don’t feel the love then you think it can’t hurt you when you inevitably lose them too.” Derek said like he was speaking from personal experience, and it took him a moment to realize that he was.

“When did you start feeling it again?”

“When I was with Cora.” The wolf told him but didn’t elaborate further. “It doesn’t have to take you as long as it took me.”

“What do you mean?”

“Believe that it is not going to kill you. Feeling the love you have for others, with the possibility of hurting later, is better than never feeling it again. It's the numbness you're feeling that can kill you. It's the love and the pain that keep you alive.”

“That trip with Cora did you good, didn’t it?”

“Yeah, it did.” Derek agreed. “You’ll be okay, Stiles.”

“It won’t kill me, right?”

“Right.”

“Thanks for this, for the talk.” A year ago, he never would have thought Derek would be the one to offer him comfort and insight in his time of need.

“No problem.”

* * *

 

Juice woke around the same time he did most nights, to pitch black darkness. He couldn’t see well, but he could feel a weight pinning his arm down. He turned to his side to get a better look at the offending person, fully expecting to find Abel curled up beside him, like every other night, but was pleasantly surprised to find his husband instead. He smiled to himself at the sight, lifting a hand to run his fingers through Stiles sleep mussed hair, startling him awake.

“Hey,” He whispered, earning a grunt from the other man. “You’re still here.”

“Mhm.” Stiles was usually gone by now, not returning to the house until sunrise. “Not going anywhere.”

“Glad to hear it.” He tilted his head downward, placing a gentle kiss on his husband’s lips. Stiles responded enthusiastically at first before yawning into his mouth, causing Juice to snort in response.

“Mmm,” Stiles pulled back smacking his lips together. “Sleep now. Smooch later.”

"Sleep now. Long drive later." He corrected.

"That'll be fun too."

"Sure, nothing says fun like a five hour car ride with a baby and little kid."

"Oh fuck."

 

* * *

 

Chibs parked the van at the curb when he reached the Stilinski house. It was early, much earlier than he usually woke, but he needed to be there before Stiles left so he was powering through his weariness. The chirping from the back and multiple cups of coffee were the only things keeping him awake.

“I would be doing Stiles a damn favor if I shot you both.” He grumbled at the birds.

He climbed out of the vehicle, pulling the cage out with him as he went. Stiles came out of the house at the same time, carrying a box to the jeep. He looked as if he had been doing that particular task repetitively for some time judging by the amount of sweat soaked into his shirt.

“You forget something?” He questioned as he walked up to the boy.

“What?” Stiles nearly brained himself against the door of his jeep as he turned swiftly toward him. He looked at Chibs in shock, which morphed to confusion when he glanced at what he was holding. “Fucking birds.”

“You did forget.” It wasn’t a surprise given everything that had been going on. “Lyla was nice enough to look after them for you, but now she wants them gone. Since you told Nero you wanted them, I thought I would bring them to your before you left for Oregon.”

“Thanks.” He took the cage from him, looking at the animals skeptically.

“How are the boys?”

“They’re okay.” Stiles set the cage on the grass and leaned against his car as he spoke. “Abel’s going back and forth between acting like nothing has changed and grieving for his parents. Thomas is so young that it’s not really affecting him.”

“And you?”

“I’m taking it day by day.” That was a better answer than his usual _I’m fine_. “Keeping busy.”

“I can see that.” He gestured toward the boxes in the jeep. “You need some help?”

“No! Nope. No.” Stiles answered quickly, shifting nervously on his feet. “It’s just a few boxes from my room. I’ve got it handled.”

“You sure?”

“Yep.” The extra pop he added to the ‘p’ did nothing to help how odd he was acting. “Do you need help with anything?”

“No.” If he did, he would not bring his problems to the kid who already had enough on his plate. “Are you sure that you’re okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Stiles reassured him. “How about you? I’m sorry I haven’t had a chance to check in on you and everyone.”

“We’re okay. You don’t have to worry about us.” They were taking it day by day, the same way he was.

“I don’t have to worry, but I do.” He said seriously. “You guys tend to get destructive when you lose one of your own, and that only leads to more death. I don’t want any of you to get hurt or end up dead.”

“Nothing is going to happen to any of us.”

“Don’t lie to me.” Stiles dropped his glance to the ground. “No more funerals, Chibs, please. No more.”

“Aye.” He put a hand on Stiles shoulder consolingly. “No more.”

He tried not to feel bad about the lie. He could not say definitively that there would be no more death, but he could try to prevent it. Like Stiles, he did not know if the club, if any of them, could survive another death.

He pulled the younger man close, wrapping his arms tightly around him. Stiles relaxed into the hold, embracing Chibs with the same amount of force, as if he was afraid to let go. He rested his cheek against Stiles head, trying to prolong the hug, knowing this would be the last time he saw him for a very long time.

A shuffling sound at the front door drew his gaze upward and for a second he thought he was losing his mind, that he was seeing a ghost. Juice was staring back at him, only partially visible from the doorframe, like he was about to hide away but froze when Chibs had spotted him. There was panic written on his face as his watery eyes flickered from Chibs to Stiles and back again.

He probably thought Chibs was going to finish what Jax had started. He would carry out the order that Tully was so obviously unsuccessful at fulfilling. The thing was, he never wanted Juice to die. He wanted him to run somewhere far away where he could be safe from that fate. From the looks of things, he had done just that.

“Good boy.” He choked out, because Juice had found a way to live and he was so fucking proud of him for that. “Good boy.”

He lifted a hand in a small wave, the only goodbye he could give without saying the words.

**Author's Note:**

> I swear the next one won't be as angsty. It will be domestic fluff.  
> [TUMBLR](http://www.stilinski-ortiz.tumblr.com/)  
> [Youtube](https://www.youtube.com/user/SandM1827/)  
> Thank you for all the comments and kudos, they are greatly appreciated.


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